Dictionary of My Life

Irony: People telling me that I talk too much, but when I stop talking, they say I’m boring. It would be funny if it wasn’t so irritating.

Hypocrisy: When people tell someone not to gossip, then gossip about how that person can’t keep their mouth shut.

Patience: Sitting for two hours on the bank of a river waiting for fish to bite.

Obsession: Sitting for two hours at the computer waiting for the girl/guy to sign on.

Habit: What I do on autopilot, and can’t stop from doing on autopilot (see: biting my lip)

Heaven and Pursuit of Happiness

If I died (and if I actually don’t end up in hell, or whatever the worse afterlife is), I hope that heaven is how I imagine it.

(By the way, please, for all intents and purposes, ignore any religious beliefs while reading this blog. I sure ignore them when I’m writing it.)

I imagine endless hills and a vast blue sky with scattered clouds. 

I imagine tall grass, wildflowers, and ancient trees with gnarled branches and thick trunks to climb.

I imagine butterflies and swallows flying by, hawks circling overhead, field-mice and foxes.

I imagine my friends, waiting there.

I imagine I am not forgotten, not hated, not annoying, not tired.

I imagine that they forgive what I’ve done in the past, my faults and my ambitions, my temperment, my mistakes, my resentment, all those things that pushed me away.

I imagine that some things no longer matter, like time or money, looks, academics, social hierarchies, crushes, success, family…

I imagine preferences should make no difference, be it the musical preferences that sometimes separates me and my friends, the sexual preferences that causes so much grief for a few friends, the career preferences that have earned me the disdain of those around me, or who to like, who to love, who to marry, who to live with, who to work for, who to believe in. These are personal things. They should stay personal, and they shouldn’t hurt anyone.

I imagine that there, I will be happy. Because I know, right now, with none of the above, it’s so hard to be happy sometimes.

When I know a friend is just putting up with me, when I know some people talk behind my back about what I am most proud of, when I know my friends are being targeted because they don’t fit in, when I know the closest person I have to a brother has to swallow his pride because his dream never came true, when who I thought loved me turned out to have forgotten my name, when I know so many friends who have considered suicide, when my voice holds no power, when it’s all hopeless, when my love for someone pushes them away from me, when no one can understand what I’m trying to tell them… Because of all that, whenever I smile at someone, god it hurts like fuck.

Life Translated Lyrics

Sing along lyrics to Life by Yui. The message is really poignant. Enjoy.

Life

In this lonely city, unfamiliar to me, full of dust,
I can’t laugh the way these people do- so I just walk, staring at the ground.
People pass by me, brushing by so quickly, I want to ask-
“Have their fantasies all come true?” and am I left behind still struggling?

I want to try to live in the present,
Instead of running back to my childhood.
Why is it always I am afraid?

If I go to that sunny place and stretch my arms out to the world,
I wonder if I could go beyond that blue sky?
That’s what I thought.

These wings that carry me above clouds are still invisible to you.
It’s because it’s not easy to go on living

I picked up a puppy, sitting all alone in the rain,
And for just a little while I laughed, laughed so hard that tears spilled out.
“All ever I wanted, all I ever wanted was love”
are the words I kept sobbing out, but it’s no use to beg for anything.

When I was a child, I hurt those around me.
There were days when I thought, “Oh, wouldn’t it be great
If I could change all about me?”

I went to that sunny place and tried to grab on to your hand, but
That place, that time, I can destroy it all in my mind
To change my life

And I just want to shout out these feelings, all these truths buried in my heart,
Just because it’s not easy to go on living…

I went to that sunny place and spread out this map of mine, but
I know you know though the path of doubt can not be avoided,
I can change my life!

Yeah, all the days passed make up who I am, the me who’s standing here right now.
All because it’s not easy to go on living…

~end~

Something lighthearted

Non-philosophical day. That will come once a week in this blog. Today, I shall quote stupidly funny things that I’ve heard/said this week.

Yesterday night:
Me: (playing video game while on phone with Largo and Ty) Augh crap! FCUK! THAT’S BUTTSECKS!
Largo + Ty: -silence-
Me: Wait, wha- Oh. Did I just say that? (chaotic laughter ensued from the other side of phone line, aka London)

At school:
Me: -pulls on Jessie’s backpack as we’re being squished out the door during passing period-
Jessie: Ack, Rachel, were you pulling my backpack?
Me: Yeah, what did you think it was?
Jessie: I was like, trying to get through the door, but not moving, and “Woah! This never happens!”

Art Studio class:
Me: Dude, I saw Yamapi naked on Youtube. (insert some chatting between me and Sophia about Yamapi and JE)
A while later…
Me: (While drawing human anatomy) Aw crap, his butt’s too big. Damn, redraw that…
Sophia: (Brain still on JE) Yamapi’s butt? What? You’re drawing his butt?
Me: (shows her the art and desperately wanting to bang head against wall)
(Yamapi does have a big butt, though…)

Email from Adrian from NYC:
Omg, my dog just like, ate Kelly’s purse. Fcukin… My dog’s gonna shit Coach. That’s just like, awesome.

After SAT:
Me: Largo, I just finished SAT I, and I feel like hibernating for a year after all the yelling from my ‘rents.
Largo: Forget hibernating, just go drink tequila or something. Oh wait, you’re underage. Just go… I dunno. Have sex.
Me: …Wtf.
Largo: But remember the condom. Unless it’s a girl. Then, go get therapy.
Me: … -hangs up-

At school (during a moment of extreme stress and frustration):
Me: FCUK GOD!
Jessica: … 8-(
Me: Wait, God doesn’t deserve it. FCUK AIR!
Jessica: XDDDDD

Forgot when this happened (It was like, yesterday, I think):
Ty: I need to get a girl.
Me: You have Largo.
Ty: She’s my sister! I need to get a GIRLFRIEND.
Me: Whatever, same thing. (I was doing calc homework, not really thinking)
Ty: I’m going call her at work and tell her you want me to screw her.
Me: You’re all talk, no action. (Still not thinking about the convo)
Ty: You want me to FUCK MY SISTER?!?
Me: (finally thinks about it) THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID. -hang up- -freak out-

Wednesday (chatting on MSN):
Ty: Largo, tell Ren she needs to stop stressing out about college.
Largo: Ren, if you don’t go to a good college, you’ll end up like Ty: neutered, wimpy, homeless, and dependent on his little sister.
Ty: Hey! I’m not neutered! I have a great sex life!
Me: Ty, hookers don’t count.
Largo: No, he’s just lying. He can’t afford hookers, either.
Ty: That doesn’t say anything about my sex life!
Me: Ty, why is it that, with you, we always end up talking about sex or relationships?
Largo: Sometimes, it’s difficult to tell whether he’s a boy just hitting puberty or a girl PMSing.
Ty: :’<

I love conversations. They reveal all the stupidities of people.

Oh right, during SAT, the room we were in had a sign on front door. This is what it was:

Stress Reduction Kit

(in a large circle) Bang Head Here

Directions:
1. Place kit on FIRM surface.
2. Follow directions in circle of kit.
3. Repeat step 2 as necessary, or until unconscious.
4. If unconscious, cease stress activity.

ROFLMAO. That just made my day. And, it was laminated.

Stay Away Fans are Crack

Stay Away (L’arc en Ciel) Dance by Fans

Most awesome thing ever. Fans in Japan memorized the end choreography of Stay Away PV. Watch for the “invisible instruments” at 00:29 (secs left). I laughed so hard watching this…